Things I'm Grateful For

Where did I leave off? Oh, right, I was about to get my taxes done the last time I was here. I got them done, and was praying for "oodles and oodles of money", well I did. I'm pretty low-income, so this was pretty much amazing to me. 

I was planning on spoiling myself with my taxes and getting a new (used) couch and a flat screen tv. Instead, I had enough to do that, plus completely pay off my maxed credit card, order Chloe a nice crib, and get a few things we needed around the apartment. And more. I've never felt so lucky. I don't have my couch yet, but I look around my living room at my new tv and dvd rack, and curtains that are on a rod instead of tacked up, and I feel like we're doing great. 

Things I'm particularly grateful for today:

- My bills are over paid, not overdue. 

- My credit card owes me a couple of dollars, instead of me owing them hundreds. 

- My bank account is doing great, my wallet has cash in it. 

- I worked this past week, so I'll have even more extra money coming in.

- The fridge and cupboards are full. 

- The apartment is clean. 

- I have Netflix hooked up in my living room AND my bedroom

- I managed to keep a human alive alone in my care for 6 whole months! 

- One of my best friends is coming to visit this weekend! 

So basically, life is pretty amazing right now. They say money can't buy happiness? I was pretty happy before,  but being financially ahead? Priceless. 

I Need a Career

The other day I went through sort of a pre-quarter life crisis. (Similiar to the mid-life crisis. Quarter-life = 25 years)

It was a 'what the hell am I doing with my life?' kind of crisis. I work in a hotel, making a tiny bit more than minimum wage. It barely pays the bills, and right now my bills are nothing too crazy. 

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my job most of the time. I mean, I'm at work right now blogging. It's great. I love talking to the regulars. I like the hotel work in general. Maybe if I was making enough money, I could see this being more of a permanent job, since most of the time it's so easy. But my barely-there income is not something I want to deal with for the rest of my life - especially with a baby on the way. I want my baby to have more than I did. 

I racked my brain to think of what I'd like to do with my life. I looked at all the courses offered at two colleges and the local university. Nothing really interested me. 

I don't want to do nursing, teaching, accounting, landscaping, dog walking or anything else I can think of. 

If money was no issue I'd run my own used bookstore, but I don't think I could survive on that kind of income. I'd love to be a writer, but you have to get published to go anywhere, and I'm not at that stage yet. Some days I think I'd like to run my own little inn or bed and breakfast, but when I think about it, I'm not so sure. 

Photography is the one thing I truly feel any kind of passion for. 

Right now it's frustrating because I'm just waiting around to see if I can get into the night photography course that starts in April. In the meantime, it's constantly snowing, which is not weather I like to bring my camera out in, and I want to work with human models, not scenery. 

I tried to set up a couple of photo shoots back in December. Unfortunately both fell through. 

I need practice. I need to learn. I can't learn from watching videos, as I've been trying every once in awhile. I need to get out there and do it myself. And according to a few videos, I need a new lens because apparently the lens that comes with the camera is worse than any cheap lens I could buy. 

I just need to hurry up and get going with this. I am getting impatient. This could be what I want to do. 

What is the hobby that excites you the most?

The Biological Clock

It has recently hit me that I am growing up. I'm not 20 anymore, I'm 23. I have friends that are getting married. Friends that talk about having babies. I have a younger sister who already has a child. Those are pretty big life milestones. 

I'm not married, nor am I anywhere near being ready to get married. I have no children, and I also don't see me wanting any in the near future. I hate the phrase 'biological clock'. 

I do, at some point, want those things in life, but I am sure they are not for me right now. 

Time scares me. 

I haven't done any research on this at all, but I've heard that after that age of 27 (ish) it gets a tiny bit harder for women to get pregnant. Through a tiny bit of research, I learned that 7% of females are infertile by age 30. 11% by age 35. So maybe it doesn't sound like there has to be a big rush. 

Someone said something the other day that stuck with me. One of my co-workers was talking about her children and grandchildren. She had her children young. Her reason? She didn't want to be really old when she started getting grandchildren. 

If I have children, say in 5 years, I will be 28. Let's say my child starts reproducing when they are 20. That makes me almost 50 by the time I first start having grandchildren. 

Now, I know I'm over analyzing, and I promise you I'm not as worried about this as the post may make it seem. These are just a couple of thoughts I've had. 

Neither of these factors will rush me into marriage or children until I feel I am completely ready for it. 

Does anyone else take these factors into consideration when they start having a family? I'd love to hear your thoughts. 

In the meantime, family and friends please continue to have babies that I can love from afar. 

This is my life.

That is me. Well, that would be me if those books and papers were really a lap top. 

I am 23 going on 78. 

It is a Friday night and I chose sitting at home writing my story, browsing the internet, and even thought about filling out my Christmas cards over going out for drinks and a good time. 

I can't stay up past 1 AM. Well, I can, since it is now 2 AM, but like I said, that picture above is basically me. I can barely keep my eyes open. 

My mother is gone out drinking, and I can't stay awake waiting to pick her up. Yes, I officially feel like a senior citizen, without the pension and retirement. 

What happened to the me who used to go out and have fun? The me who could stay up until 3-4 AM with no problem? 

It wouldn't be so bad if I could just keep my freaking eyes open. 

Old age hits fast, boys and girls. 

Maybe I'll try to get my youth back tomorrow. 

In the meantime, I should go take out my dentures and hair rollers. It's soon time to pick up Mom. 

Goodnight. 

<3 Grandma

Life in Review

Today is finally my birthday. I am now 23.

23.

It feels like I'm aging so quickly. Wasn't I in high school yesterday?

Feels like the perfect day to tell you my life story.

The First Year of Life

I was born early, at 11:21 a.m. on October 19th. I weighed something like 7lbs, or 8, I really don't remember. Mother was 19 at the time. Four years younger than I am about to be. How crazy is it to imagine me with a 4 year old right now? Too crazy. We lived with my grandparents, Meme and Pepe, at the time. My father was MIA and would continue to be.

I had my first Halloween and the first Christmas. Too bad I can't scan photos.

Did I mention Mom took me trick-or-treating (just to family members' houses) on my first Halloween?

Baby's first Easter:

Age 1+
I turned a year old and I was the most awesome one year old to grace the planet. True story.

One of my friends (and distant cousin), M., was at my first birthday party. She was also at my 23rd birthday party.

Here we are at the end of 2009/beginning of 2010. Have we changed much?

4 Years Old
I got a brother and sister, twins!

I also fell and hit my head on the bottom of a door in the hospital (conveniently) and needed stitches.

5 Years Old
I was in kindergarten and had my first graduation.

6 Years Old
My grandmother died. I was too young to really understand, but it was still a really sad time.

7 Years Old
I met my father and half sister for the first time.

9 Years Old
Mom got married to my (now) ex-stepfather.

11 Years Old

I got my first not really boyfriend. We called each other boyfriend/girlfriend for a week, and talked on the phone. We never met in real life until later. He was someone my best friend went to school with. We lived in different provinces at the time.

12 Years Old
Expected computers to all crash in 2000 They did not. I didn't have a computer anyway.

I moved back to my home province after spending a few years in NB. Starting a new school with kids I'd known when I was younger was weird.

14 Years Old
I began that awkward first year of high school.

15 Years Old
I got my first kiss. It was through spin-the-bottle or truth or dare, so it was nothing special.

My 15th birthday party - Me in the middle, on the floor

16 Years Old
I had my first taste of drinking. It was a perfectly pleasant time. I also had my first bad drinking experience 6 months later.

17 Years Old
I became a high school graduate in June. Moved to the big city of Freddy and on my own in August.

Started university in September. Realized a couple of months in that it wasn't what I wanted to do.

17th Birthday at school

High School graduation

18 Years Old
Got my first job. At a sandwich factory while I spent a summer living home again.

Started legal office assistant program at the local college in September.

Halloween '05

19 Years Old
I finally got my first taste at what clubs/bars were like. The very first time, I hated it. I've loved it ever since.

20 Years Old
Got a college diploma, but continued working at Wendy's. Go me!

I inherited my mother's car. Yay, my first car!

Moved back to my home island, and with my friend S. We became alcoholics together and drank every weekend.

I was blessed with the most amazing nephew ever on January 11th.

21 Years Old
I cut off my long hair. Still loving it shorter.


I met a boy. He's still sticking around to this day.

Finally got the job I'd been wanting for awhile, and thinking about going to school for. No longer need the schooling!

22 Years Old

I now live with my mother, for dirt cheap, in a tiny apartment. I have a job I love. 

Stay tuned for age 23. 

It shows a lot of promise. 

A new beginning

Moving is a lot of work. There's the packing, the taping, the moving, the cleaning, and the end. The end of a lease. The end of making memories at that particular place. Sometime around 9 p.m. tonight it will a year since we moved the first few things into "our place".

We did things quick, only having known each other for 4 months at this point, but it was what was best for us at the time, or so it seemed.

While living there we celebrated our first birthday together, our first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, Easter, and our first anniversary. It was where we lived when I first met his mom, when he first met my grandfather. Where we first got to know each other.

Today I mopped one last room, cleaned my first oven, passed in our keys and got my damage deposit back.

I had 20 minutes to myself after the cleaning was done, and before the landlord got there to get the keys. I paced around, unable to sit still, and no chairs to sit on anyway. As I went into each room it brought back all kinds of memories from that room. The stronget memories were those from the day we moved in.

The place was so new and exciting, and I was filled with so much hope for us and our apartment.

I will not miss freezing in the winter or critters scratching inside our walls, but I will really miss the memories and everything that happened there, good or bad. Though everything didn't turn out the way I'd hoped a year ago, things are still on the right path. It's time for a different new beginning than expected.

So long Apartment 3.

Relationships: Package Deal

The lovely Eye Girl wrote this post back in June and I made note of it because it stuck with me. The whole 'Package Deal' thing.

You know what I'm talking about: when Jane and Joe start dating, soon it becomes more 'Jane and Joe' than just Jane. They come together, they are the package deal. I don't feel that couples should always come as a deal. I believe that friendships should be able to go on without someone's partner becoming your adpoted best friend, although I know from experience that it is amazing when that happens.

I have had some issues with this whole subject though. One was with my own relationship, and a couple with friends and their significant others. Here is one situation:

We were young when my best friend got together with her current fiance. Nights out and sleepovers, and hanging out watching tv soon turned into being ditched, her stopping by with him, and her only hanging out when he wasn't around. I didn't hate him, but resentment was definitely there.

The relationship was new, so looking back I don't hold it against her. I'd like to say that I would've done the same in her situation, but when the time came I didn't. Knowing what I know now, she should've made more of an effort towards 'friend time', instead of constantly making her friends feel as if we were never her first choice to hang out with, we were only the backup plan. Maybe now we would be closer.

Through all this, they are still together, they are still perfect for each other, and I cannot wait to go to their wedding. I still love them both.

In the end, I truly believe that this was all meant to happen the way it did. And I'm not usually one to think that way.
I have another friendship, where I can honestly admit that I am not exactly in love with the significant other. I wish this wasn't the case. I accept that they are together. I have no problem spending time with them every now and then. I will make that effort for the friendship, but I love those times when we can be together as friends, without the other half. 

With my own relationship, I found it hard to fit him into my own package deal. I tried way too hard to avoid what my friend did years ago. In the process I put an unnecessary strain on my relationship.

If only there was a step-by-step manual to meshing friendships and relationships. Something ilke:

Step 1: Have a casual run-in where you introduce your new partner to your friends.

Step 2: Have a group night where everyone is involved.

Step 3: Have a friends-only night.

And so on. Just so we don't mess things up like what happens so often. I feel if I could combine a bit of my situation with a bit of my friend's situation, we could have a good system.

I feel that just like you need time alone with a significant other, you need some time alone with a friend to keep a friendship strong. If you don't find a good enough mix of friend time and relationship time, close  friendships can start to fade a bit. And in the same way, if you can't find a way to include your partner with your friends every now and then, it can add stress to your relationship.

What are your thoughts? Have you had issues with this at all? Tell me some of your tips for dealing with these kinds of situations.

Weekend in New Brunswick

This past weekend we packed up my little car and headed across the bridge to New Brunswick. My favorite province.

Don't get me wrong, I love the island. I was born here. I love the small-town feel. I love being close to my family. I love the accents and silly sayings. I love saying I'm from Prince Edward Island.

I was born there, but I wasn't born and raised.

We moved around a lot growing up. We lived in a lot of different spots on the island, but we also lived in a few different spots in New Brunswick. When I finished high school I chose New Brunswick to continue my education in Fredericton. It was one of the best decisions I've made. I love that city like I was born and raised there. It's a big enough city with a lot of shops, entertainment and festivals, but it still has that small-town feel. It's the kind of place I feel I could settle down someday.

Either way, it was great to get to go back and visit New Brunswick, and especially Fredericton.

Crossing the not-so-cheap Confederation Bridge

Our "home" for the weekend was in a hotel in Moncton. With no fridge in the room we made good use of the sink to keep beverages cold.

It was nice to just hang out alone together all day Friday. 

Saturday we headed to Fredericton for the day. I got to show B. around the city, the two apartment buildings I lived in and a quick drive through the campus of the university I attended briefly.

We visited a couple of friends, then had supper with the friend I lived for two years in NB. We ate at a great little pub called The Garrison District Ale House. Good food, a huge beer menu, and we got to sit outside.

We were both tired when we got back to the hotel room Saturday night so we relaxed and watched a marathon of LA Ink and went to bed early.

We were both a little sad to go back home Sunday afternoon. But not before we made our second stop at Arby's, home of the curly fry. This weekend was my first time trying it and I was not disappointed. Nothing better than dipping fries in cheese.

I cannot wait for my next road trip with B. Hopefully next time we'll get better pictures.

The truth

Here I am alone.

Things just keep getting weirder and weirder. I use the term 'weirder' to avoid cursing.

But what the hell.

I really fucked a lot of shit up.

End cursing.

But yeah, I messed up a lot of stuff.

What needed to happen, happened, but that doesn't mean I felt happy about it. Maybe relieved, briefly, But mostly I just started to feel restless. I moped around a bit. I couldn't get myself to do stuff that needed to be done around the apartment. I just didn't want to do anything.

I finally gave in to someone who had been showing interest in me. I knew it was a bad idea. I wasn't ready, and neither was the person I would hurt the most, but it got my mind off how I'd been feeling. And that was all I wanted was to stop feeling.

He never pressured me into anything, and nothing really happened. It just helped me get my mind off how my life seemed to be going downhill. It was new and exciting. It was easy. Whatever it was, I removed any way for me to get in contact with him. He doesn't know this. He still has my number to do what he wants with it.

But I've officially moved him into douchebag category. I only have room for one douchebag in my life, and since the King of the Douchebaggery Society has re-entered my life (in a good way!) I don't have the space for a second douche. Sorry.

All joking aside, more big changes are happening. By the time this posts I will probably be living alone. And I will be sad. There's just so many memories here for it to be easy to be here alone. But I will be okay :)

But there's something else. I did something stupid. At the time, I even knew I would regret it. It felt so nice at the time. Like the consequences wouldn't be that bad. Boy, was I wrong. It brought on some uncomfortable situations. It brought on some pain. I should've expected it, but I was being stupid. Next time I should say no... to direct sunlight without sunblock.

I'm talking about my sunburn, what did you think I was talking about? Two days later it still really hurts!

Just taking it one day at a time. 

And in this case, congrats to my friend M. on getting engaged last night!

And I feel great about scoring two tickets to the Regis and Kelly show being filmed here tomorrow morning, and gave them away to make two people very happy. It feels nice. They will appreciate it more than I would.

Changes

I've been trying not to doing a lot of thinking lately. Maybe not thinking, exactly, but feeling. Or both.

See, that's why I try not to think. I start to not make sense.

A little word association game, maybe?

Alone ..... sadness, depression, panic, freedom
Freedom ..... happiness, changes
Changes ..... sadness, happiness, confusion, hope
Moving ..... sadness, inconvenient, difficult, easy,


There are so many big changes in my life, either happening now or in the next few months.


I'm starting to learn that you can't force yourself to be happy. All you can do is just do what makes you happy. If something doesn't, try to change it. There's not always a way to know if you're making the right decision, so you have to do what feels right for you at the time. Live with the consequences.


If I have to try so hard at being happy, maybe I'm just not doing it right.

For the first time in 14 months, I am truly alone. It was my decision. Does it make me happy? Not particularly, at the moment. It does make me feel better.


It also makes me feel a bit scared. Scared of being alone in general, scared of losing someone who means so much to me, scared I will regret it someday.

But I also feel hopeful. Like this is something I need to do. I need this time alone for myself. Maybe I'll find happiness down the road with someone else, maybe I'll find I was supposed to be happy with the one I left, or maybe I'm doomed to be alone. Really, who knows?

The only thing I know for sure, is that something wasn't right, and I tried what I could. I couldn't try any more.

This is a new beginning for me. I'm starting fresh, on my own, and it's hard, but it's something I feel I need to do. I think I need to work better at being happier on my own, with myself, before I can truly be happy with someone else.

But hey, at least I got to experience being in love. Something everyone should experience at least once in a lifetime. So I must be doing something right, even if it is hard right now.


This post was inspired by Summer, where I stole the picture.

Here's to being strong, enjoying life more, and finding happiness.

My career dreams

I figured out my career dreams.. are you ready? They are intense.

First off, I want to run my own bookstore. Something similar to The Owl's Nest bookstore in Fredericton, NB. Except with more color, more cozy chairs. And a lot more organization, because I love organizing books.

On the days of which my bookstore was closed (or another employee was working), I would work front desk at a hotel.

Then, in the summer and the rest of my spare time I want to take professional photographs for weddings, portraits and such. And I can only dream that they would be even half as beautiful as Matthew & Chera Yorke Photography.

Do I have big dreams, or what?