Wednesday, June 30, 2010


I've been trying not to doing a lot of thinking lately. Maybe not thinking, exactly, but feeling. Or both.

See, that's why I try not to think. I start to not make sense.

A little word association game, maybe?

Alone ..... sadness, depression, panic, freedom
Freedom ..... happiness, changes
Changes ..... sadness, happiness, confusion, hope
Moving ..... sadness, inconvenient, difficult, easy,

There are so many big changes in my life, either happening now or in the next few months.

I'm starting to learn that you can't force yourself to be happy. All you can do is just do what makes you happy. If something doesn't, try to change it. There's not always a way to know if you're making the right decision, so you have to do what feels right for you at the time. Live with the consequences.

If I have to try so hard at being happy, maybe I'm just not doing it right.

For the first time in 14 months, I am truly alone. It was my decision. Does it make me happy? Not particularly, at the moment. It does make me feel better.

It also makes me feel a bit scared. Scared of being alone in general, scared of losing someone who means so much to me, scared I will regret it someday.

But I also feel hopeful. Like this is something I need to do. I need this time alone for myself. Maybe I'll find happiness down the road with someone else, maybe I'll find I was supposed to be happy with the one I left, or maybe I'm doomed to be alone. Really, who knows?

The only thing I know for sure, is that something wasn't right, and I tried what I could. I couldn't try any more.

This is a new beginning for me. I'm starting fresh, on my own, and it's hard, but it's something I feel I need to do. I think I need to work better at being happier on my own, with myself, before I can truly be happy with someone else.

But hey, at least I got to experience being in love. Something everyone should experience at least once in a lifetime. So I must be doing something right, even if it is hard right now.

This post was inspired by Summer, where I stole the picture.

Here's to being strong, enjoying life more, and finding happiness.


Noelle said...

I have a picture in my office that says something about stop spending so much time trying to be happy...just be happy...something like that anyway.

I read it often and remind myself that I need to just breath and let life happen.

For what it's worth, I think you're incredibly brave and I admire your strength. You've made more tough decisions in a month than some people are willing to make their whole lives.

I'm wishing you a whole life full of love and laughter and happiness!!

magnolia said...

i second pretty much everything you said here. it's my life, my reality, these days too. all we can do is go one day at a time, right?

Natalie Maddon said...

When I am alone I always figure out so much about myself. You can discover new hobbies and do whatever you want with your time and not worry about pleasing anyone.

Melissa said...

Good luck. I don't do well with change. Even good change. The unknown frightens me. But you are definitely correct in that you can't force happiness and you have to do what works and just try and live and find that happiness... again, good luck!

leigh ashley said...

i'm sorry that you don't feel happy. i've been there so many times before. i've found that what helps me through those times is to stop focusing on "me" and start focusing on helping others. at one point in my life i was really involved with feeding the homeless and at another point i took care of my dad in the hospital. i've found, for me at least, that when i get down i tend to focus on all the bad things in my life, so when i turn that focus on someone else, my problems don't seem so big anymore. don't know if that'll help you, but it always helps me! :) you'll get through it, i promise!

a. said...

You should also do what makes you happy because only you hold the key to your own happiness! love you, be strong and be YOU! we are here for you

He & Me + 3 said...

Change is hard but can be for the best. I hope that this new change brings you much happiness and joy. Life is what we make it & we do make the choice to either be happy or to let someone or something steal our joy. Hang in there & find the positive in every helps :)
Thanks for stopping by my blog.



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