Thursday, July 28, 2011

New and Old Pepe

My pregnancy has been good for me - emotionally.

It put me in a happy place where I was able to keep my mind off things that were bothering me before.

Things like my grandfather's stroke. Before I found out I was pregnant, I thought about him a lot, but tried not to dwell on it for too long. Me getting really upset wouldn't do any good anyway. It just made it harder on me. Anytime I watched anything sad on tv, no matter what it was, I always thought about him.

I'm a bit better about it now. I don't spontaneously get the urge to cry, but I still get really sad sometimes thinking about him. Other times I just get really angry. It's not fair that a man like him who was always walking for exercise, working outside, eating fairly healthy, helping others has something like this happen to him. He should be living at home on his own, still able to drive his truck and tractor, still fixing up his home. Still able to speak.

I always found the easiest way to deal with pain and sadness is to just try to push it to the back of my mind and distract myself until it isn't so strong. Until it hurts just a little less to think about it. Deal with it when it's easier. Sometimes it just never gets easier.

It has only been a few days since I last seen him. He's still at the point where we can barely understand what he's saying, and he doesn't understand a lot of what we say. It's so surreal to have him come to my baby shower and just sit patiently through the entire thing. The old Pepe? He never would've come. Every little thing about him now is a reminder of what's happened to him, whether it be good or bad.

Me and him are kind of similar. We have to repeat things to him over and over to make sure he understands. Me? I have to remind myself over and over that the same Pepe I knew isn't at home anymore, going to Bingo or working out in his barn. He's not the same Pepe. I am so happy that he's still with us, still mobile, and we're able to communicate even though it's hard. But some part of me will always really miss the Pepe that was around before the stroke.


Although new Pepe is still pretty fun too.

2 comments:

Baby Sister said...

Change is always hard. Hopefully he'll continue to improve and bring back some of the old Pepe with him.

magnoliathoughts.com said...

change like that is so rough to watch. but the love and the connection are clearly still there, even if the cognitive skills aren't. thinking of you both...

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