Thursday, June 10, 2010

Girl minus relationship

I've been single for three full days now. Since I'm not completely honest on here all the time, this isn't really known, but I wanted it to happen. I thought I did.

Things weren't right, I wasn't happy and there were a lot of little reasons why I was convinced it wasn't working. I just didn't see myself with him forever, and I didn't want to be in a relationship that I knew had to end at some point. I am curious about what else is out there, and that is the worst part.

When you lay it all out, I had a great relationship. We had our little fights, we had our big fights, but we were finally at the point where we just had arguments, not really fights. He was the first person I'd think of to talk to whenever anything happened. He would do any little thing just to make me smile. When I'd fall asleep on the couch, or just be really tired, he would carry me to bed. I know those are just little things, but they are some of many. He really is a great guy. 

I broke his heart, yet I may have took it harder. I've cried a lot. We've talked and cried a lot together. The strange thing is, we are getting along really well. We still live together because it's wasn't realistic for one of us to find our own place, while we still have to pay for this place. Either of us could've stayed with friends or family, but even that would be inconvenient. We're sleeping in separate rooms, but we still hang out, we still talk. The only thing that's changed is the physical part. It's weird going to bed without a goodnight kiss, sleeping alone, not kissing goodbye. I miss it. 

I'm just so confused. I don't know if these feelings of regret are normal, and I just need time to get over it. Or if I'm really this upset and hurt because it's not really what I want. 

I don't know if I want to be with him or not. I was so sure that we had to break up, but I had no idea how much it would hurt me not to be with him. How much I would cry and think about him. I don't know if this is a sign that I'm not doing the right thing, or that I'm just having a hard time letting go of my relationship.

We decided that it would be best to take some time apart, so that we both really feel broken up, and have time to think. So I can figure out what I really want. I'm going to stay with my Mom for a little while. She doesn't know it yet. 

We also decided that even if tomorrow I decided I wanted to get back together, we would take at least a month apart. No more messing around. I'm not getting back together with him to risk feeling the same way, and going through it all again. 

I hate me for being one of those people who seems to only want what she can't have. I want to be single when we're together, and I want him whenever we break up. 

It's still hard. But what a strange break-up. At least I know whatever happens we can be good friends. If we're still getting along through all this, I think we can make it through anything. 

I just wish I knew what I wanted. Only time will tell, I guess.

"If I'm making the right choice then why can I feel my heart breaking?"


Shell said...

Some time apart sounds like what you need. It should become clearer to you after that.


leigh ashley said...

oh man... i know exactly how you feel! i've been through this twice. the first time was hard, we were together for about a year and a half. i broke up with him and moved home with my parents. it hurt so bad, but no matter how much it hurt, i knew i didn't want to be with him. i just knew. the second time was with the guy i'm with now... we had been together about a year. we were broken up for a total of 4 hours and it was no doubt the worst 4 hours of my life. i knew instantly that i'd made a mistake.

i know it doesn't happen the same way for everyone, but you just have to listen to your heart. and take some time. it'll come to you! you're strong, venassa!

Melissa said...

I'm sorry. Hopefully it will all work out in the end. Good luck.

My Life in Purple said...

Aww, chicky :(

You know what, it probably doesn't help you right now, but for me, I really found myself after my husband left. Make sure you get in touch with who you are just as YOU and not as a couple.

You, are a sweetheart and I'm so glad that I have got the chance to meet you on blog land :)

Noelle said...

Your heart will break...even if ending your relationship is the right thing to do. Sucks doesn't it? :)

I agree that time apart is the right thing to do. I imagine that living with him and seeing him every day would make it so much harder!

Hang in there girlie...and trust your heart.

a. said...

you are a strong person and you will be able to find yourself and what you really want, as My life in Purple said as you, not as a couple.
Time apart can do wonders and sometimes you realize its for good and soemtimes its not but i is always for the better. My short breakup with r. lead us to become closer and our relationship was able to grow and so were we independently and together.

Caro said...

I know what you are going through as I have been single form just a little over 2 weeks.



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