Monday, November 7, 2011

I'm drowning.

My little girl turned 6 weeks old yesterday. 

In the past week, she started smiling and cooing like crazy. 

She's outgrown most of her newborn pjs - she's just too long for them. 

On November 1st I switched her to formula. I do see a small change in her ever since, where she cries a bit less. (You know what's hard, painful work? Drying up breast milk. Just sayin'.)

I always just want to hold her and kiss her. 

But some days I feel like I'm drowning. 

My entire life consists of Chloe, tv, and the couch. It's quite sad and lonely, but these are the easy days compared to the ones where we have to leave the house. 

Almost every minute of every day is spent looking forward to the next time I can squeeze in any amount of sleep. 

I find myself wondering when I'll feel anything more than stress and exhaustion. If I'll ever feel any kind of real happiness anytime soon. I wonder if I'll ever get to do anything I enjoy for more than a few minutes at a time. 

I feel like I don't exist. I wonder if I'll ever be 'me' again, or if I'm just always going to be nothing but Chloe's mother. I'm sure it's possible to be both, but right now there just isn't any time for me. 

Chloe is always going to wake up to my face and my voice. I'm going to witness most, if not all of her firsts. I'm always going to be here to play with her, to teach her. I wouldn't have it any other way. Even now as I type, I stop every few seconds and just stare at her. She's amazing. 

Still, it would be nice sometimes to be the one who gets to just relax at home without worrying about diapers or bottles or crying. To feel like a person again. Just for a couple of hours. 

7 comments:

SG to SP said...

Why don't you get your hubby or parents or friend or someone to come watch her for a few hours so you can get out and do something just for you? Go shopping, get a massage, sit outside and read a book, something just for you. Every mama needs a break every now and then! You are still a person not just a mother.

WhisperingWriter said...

I agree with the first note, maybe see if someone will help?

I know I need space once in awhile.

Sean Marie said...

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how hard things are going to be with a baby but I will be in the same boat very soon. Try not to lose yourself by taking time for YOU. Don't feel guilty. I'd babysit for you if we were closer/not strangers. :)

Haley said...

My sister went through the same thing. My mom ended up keeping him for a day/overnight just so she could pull herself together. As she gets older it'll become easier, for my sister it did anyways. Hopefully you can catch a break soon!

Elle said...

I know the feeling. We switched Owen to formula full time November 1st also. I get so bored with the computer, tv, sleeping baby situation. Get out of the house it makes it so much more bearable. Ever since he was three weeks old we have made it a point to get out each day..even if it's just to go pick up stuff from Target. Also when my husband gets home from work he takes Owen on a walk which gives me 30-45 minutes to myself to shower or do whatever. It's really nice. Maybe your husband could do that too.

Jayme said...

Having a baby is such a big adjustment! You're doing great :)

Baby Sister said...

I've heard that adjust to a new baby, especially for the first time, can be really hard. I agree with the other comments, be sure to take some time for yourself. Have your boyfriend watch her sometimes just so you can relax a little.

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