My little girl turned 6 weeks old yesterday.
In the past week, she started smiling and cooing like crazy.
She's outgrown most of her newborn pjs - she's just too long for them.
On November 1st I switched her to formula. I do see a small change in her ever since, where she cries a bit less. (You know what's hard, painful work? Drying up breast milk. Just sayin'.)
I always just want to hold her and kiss her.
But some days I feel like I'm drowning.
My entire life consists of Chloe, tv, and the couch. It's quite sad and lonely, but these are the easy days compared to the ones where we have to leave the house.
Almost every minute of every day is spent looking forward to the next time I can squeeze in any amount of sleep.
I find myself wondering when I'll feel anything more than stress and exhaustion. If I'll ever feel any kind of real happiness anytime soon. I wonder if I'll ever get to do anything I enjoy for more than a few minutes at a time.
I feel like I don't exist. I wonder if I'll ever be 'me' again, or if I'm just always going to be nothing but Chloe's mother. I'm sure it's possible to be both, but right now there just isn't any time for me.
Chloe is always going to wake up to my face and my voice. I'm going to witness most, if not all of her firsts. I'm always going to be here to play with her, to teach her. I wouldn't have it any other way. Even now as I type, I stop every few seconds and just stare at her. She's amazing.
Still, it would be nice sometimes to be the one who gets to just relax at home without worrying about diapers or bottles or crying. To feel like a person again. Just for a couple of hours.