Friday, May 14, 2010

A bit about heartbreak

My life has been kind of crazy for the past 21 hours. 

I actually spoke the words "I don't want to be with you anymore."

I think now I know why it's always been me brokenhearted in the past. Maybe it was so I could understand how I would make someone else feel someday. Or maybe it's because I handle my own pain better than knowing I made someone else feel that kind of pain. 

I had never broken someone's heart before - until last night. 

He compared it to having a light bulb in a paper bag, and someone stepping on the bulb and shattering it.

All along I had felt so sure that this was what I wanted, but when it came down to it I just couldn't confirm that it was completely over. I just couldn't. 

He said he wanted to try to make it work. He said he would do anything. He said he doesn't know how it can all end - just like that. He said if I really didn't want to be with him, he didn't want to pressure me. He wanted me to be happy, even if that meant not being together. 

When I pictured us splitting up, I pictured myself living on my own, coming and going as I pleased. Finally decorating exactly how I wanted to. No one else's mess getting in my way. 

But I couldn't picture my life without him in it. I couldn't picture going to sleep alone every night. I couldn't see myself not talking to him everyday. I tried picturing us as just friends, but I couldn't see myself watching a movie with him without cuddling. I couldn't see me not kissing him goodbye each time we were together.

I thought breaking up would be easier. I knew I would hurt him, but I had no idea how much I would hurt myself. 

I'm not sure how you know when it's really over, I just know how I can tell when it shouldn't be.

Finally, for the first time in weeks, maybe months, I don't feel like feelings I once had for him are gone. I don't feel like I could easily let him go. 

And that's why we'll be spending some time apart this week. We won't be living together when the lease on our apartment is up. I'm not making any promises for the future. I'm taking it one day at a time.

But we will be celebrating our one year anniversary tomorrow.


Melissa said...

Good luck. I have never experienced this so I can't relate. I do think it's a good idea to spend some time a part and see how things work. It's not woth it to stay in a relationship that isn't going anywhere and that you aren't happy with - but at the same time, you don't want to throw it away if it's "the one."

Bossy Betty said...

I know this must be so very painful for you.... I am sending you hugs.

leigh ashley said...

oh man venassa! i'm so sorry that you have to go through this! no wonder you've been so down the last couple weeks. i hope that things get better for you and that you're able to find happiness... whether it's with him or on your own.

Lindsey said...

Sometimes time apart can be a wonderful thing. My husband and I did it years ago when we were dating. It really put things into perspective.
Good luck!

a. said...

Melissa said that very well. It's definitely not worth staying unless you're happy and I think its always better to take some time and sometimes move backwards so that there is a possibility of moving forward...maybe.
You deserve ever happiness, whether it is with or without him or with someone else in the future.



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